Autism

[cl0ckw0rkf0x]

I didn't put Autism in the six things you don't know about me because I think most people on my lj already know that about me. I'm pretty open about it.

My mom originally said I should keep it to myself, or I'll be judged for it, or people will think I'm looking for sympathy or making excuses. And she'd say to call it aspergers syndrome, not autism. But then people wouldn't know what I was talking about - which, I think, was her point. I tell people though, and i hope what they get from it, is not looking for sympathy, but "look how far I've come."

I get one of two reactions. I've never gotten a negative reaction, because anyone who would give one knows they'd get crucified. Anyway, reaction #1: "I'd have never guessed/couldn't tell." Which is fine. While it means they can't be bothered to acknowledge that part of me, it means they're not going to judge me based on it either.

Reaction #2: they're interested. These are the people who usually become friends. They're curious, and most people know very little, if anything, about the disorder.

There are some people who aren't so tolerant. They get frustrated at my difficulties, and impatient, but they can't be bothered to help, and they take for granted that I understand things in ways that I don't. They assume that I know when they're angry, or getting impatient, but when they finally turn around and blow up at me, it comes completely out of nowhere for me, 'cause I can't tell. There are some people who just can't deal with someone with those problems. I'm not sure why they can't understand. They don't seem interested in understanding. They don't see how hard I try, they only see how far I come up short.

I have a boyfriend who understands. At first he said he couldn't tell. As we became more serious, he did some research, and then he said he could tell a lot of times, things he originally took as just personal quirks, but actually fit into the diagnosis. It bothers him that I don't make eye contact as much as normal people do, but he understands that this will never change. Now he says he hardly notices anymore. He acknowledges it as a part of who I am, because, as much as I may learn to cope with it better and better, it will never go away.

There's no cure. There's treatment, but treatment is only for the symptoms; behavioural therapy and anti-anxiety drugs. I'm taking neither. I'd like to look into some kind of behavioural therapy, but I'm not sure where to start. I've been so busy though, I don't know if I have time.

I wasn't diagnosed until I was twenty. I did well in school, so I fell through the cracks. All the bad kids that disrupted the class got all the attention, not the girl who sat quietly in the corner and had no friends. My parents kept asking me why I didn't have more friends, saying I should be more social. I didn't know how. And they couldn't figure out how someone could not know how to make friends.

My mom aparently asked one of her co-workers, and described me, and the co-worker gave her some direction. It was the strangest feeling when my mom handed me some printouts off the internet of descriptions of the symptoms of mild autism and aspergers syndrome - it was like reading about myself. To have had problems all you're life, and suddenly realize you're not the only one. I don't know how many people get that kind of experience. Boyfriend has, when he was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, recently.

Anyway, to all my friends who have been understanding, who have stuck up for me when someone called me stupid (I know some of you have, even if you don't know I know), thankyou. I appreciate you all.